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Ever get one of those feelings, not a true punch in the gut, but it feels like it because you hurt so bad?  Today would have been my mom’s 73rd birthday.  She’s not here any longer.  Well, I’m in the midst of trying to reach out to her sister, the only person left out of mom’s family less cousins.  And Jesus, she is not living where she used to live.

Back up.  In the 80’s my aunt and my uncle bought 40+ acres out in the middle of nowhere.  Their goal was to raise quail and sell them.  They did that until he dropped dead of a massive coronary event one early morning at the breakfast table in 2003.  Not even 60, rather 56.  He spent his life working hard.  Never shying away from it.

Right beside them on the 40 acres lived my mom’s mother, Nanny we called her.  She moved to the country in 1997 when my Paw Paw died, momma’s daddy.  So, my aunt had lived there on the property from 2003 with only my Nanny until she died a couple of years ago.  So, she had been alone.

After Nanny died her two sisters were left.  Hilda and Betty.  Since then, both of them have died.  So, my aunt was it.  I’ve not kept up with her like I should have and my mother would have expected me to do so.  And now I am trying to play catch up.  In doing so, I found out today she is not in the country.  When my Nanny was sick, her stuff was all auctioned off to help pay some bills.  There was not even money to be buried for her in a casket.  She was cremated.

My aunt had to file bankruptcy a few years ago too.  There wasn’t anything left and now, she is the only one left.  And she isn’t on the “farm” any longer, having moved into a senior facility.  On this somberest of days, I am just reeling.  Feeling like I have had the shit beat out of me emotionally.  Not sure how much more of this our family can take.  Illnesses, deaths, all other kinds of shit.

I’m spent y’all.  God knows, I am spent.