I’m running out of steam. Losing energy. Losing the fight. Being home, all day long, with two kids ages 3 and under is fun. It is also stressful when it feels like you are constantly fighting an uphill battle. A battle to get things done, stay organized, cook, clean, keep a tweener(almost 11-yr old) in line, drive tweener to and from basketball games and practices, grocery shop, shovel snow, pay attention to your dog and the most important thing-my wife. Sometimes I feel like I am in the middle of having a nervous breakdown.
I just don’t always get it done. I gave up on perfection long ago. Hell, I would be happy with a completion rate of %25. Part of my frustration is that I cannot obviously get the two toddlers to assist with much of anything. Putting toys away-no. Cleaning up after themselves-no. Telling me when they need to go potty-no. Me putting them on said potty in hopes that will go and getting any results-no. Them going potty in their diapers right after I take them off the potty-YES.
And it isn’t fair to ask my wife who works 40+ hours a week outside the home to help, in addition to her going to school right now to finish up her degree. I feel awful when I do ask. I feel like an asshole who can’t get anything done and that she is looking at me like: LOSER/FAILURE.
And asking my tween for help, uh, no. I get push back on that, mouth, smart ass responses, etc. Getting her to clean her room alone would be along the lines of getting the Pope into a brothel for reasons other than to bless people or perform an exorcism. And asking her to put her own laundry away, neatly, where it goes-RIGHT. I have a better chance of Ed McMahon and Dick Clark showing up with a check. Remember, they are BOTH dead.
I’m so far behind in needing to do things, I have boxes from when we moved in at the end of June of LAST year sitting behind me. I have personal things I want to do and get done I have been working on for over two years.
And for all of this, I feel like a failure and then I get frustrated and take it out by raising-ok, yelling and screaming, when I get mad. At the tween, the wife, the dog, the wall, myself. I’m human, and it’s ok to fail…blah, blah, blah. But I don’t like that thinking.
But I feel like I am truly neglecting things that I need to pay more attention to and that I am losing them. Like those moments I need with my kids. The moments I long to be with my wife and be the husband she deserves and wants. But I fail at that, in my opinion, the worst. I don’t listen enough, we don’t do enough still alone, we have no time to be together. Our last date-Sept 13 of last year. Her birthday. Before that, hell, who knows? And it takes its toll. And I feel like I’m losing. Losing my sense of identity, my family and the love of my life I worked hard to get back.
I know that many of you at one time or another have felt these things. Perhaps I’m just burned out and need a small break to re-energize. Perhaps I am right about all the above? Who knows? All I know is I’m going to keep trying. That’s all I can do.
I love my wife and I love my kids.